This Is Narcissistic Abuse

If this episode helped you recognize the confusion, exhaustion, walking on eggshells, or loss of self that can come from narcissistic abuse, you are not alone. Recovery starts by reconnecting with reality, telling the truth, finding safe people, and getting support from someone who understands emotional abuse, betrayal trauma, PTSD, and narcissistic relationships. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello mate, how are ya? Looks like you're coming out of a narcissically abusive relationship. A narcissistically what? A narcissistically abusive relationship. What's that then, lad? Well, let me tell you about that. So if you've been in a relationship with somebody that has exasperated you, that has exhausted you, that seems to be changing you at the most fundamental levels of what and who you are. So if you've been inside of a relationship that feels like it's fundamentally changed you, it's exasperated you, it's exhausted you, your capacity to tell right from wrong has been damaged, your capacity to tell fact from fiction has been damaged, you don't know which way is up, and you really feel like you're going crazy, and you feel isolated and you feel misunderstood. Hey, it's a laugh a minute. Narcissistic abuse is a rich mind of comedy. If you're basically living in hell, right, then there's a chance that you've been in a relationship, and we call it narcissistically abusive because the person who's done this to you has a problem, a psychological problem. It's called, you could call it a clinical pathology, but they have a rigid way of looking at the world, and they have a rigid way of looking at love, and they have a rigid way of looking at you. It's rigid and it's set to being predatory, so they are effectively emotionally hunting you. So they'll have you have you ever felt like there's two levels of communication at all times? There's what they say, and then there's a gap between what they say and what they do. Have you ever felt like you can't do right for doing wrong? Like everything you do is just not good enough. And it's all happening inside of this weird, toxic, confusing, twisted version of reality? Have you ever noticed that they're always right and everyone else is wrong? That no matter what happens, they're always perfect and they're always the victim, even when it's them that did the attack, or did the insult, or did the or or did something alas. What is this language he's speaking? Is this Scottish? No, it's not Scottish. They did something alas. What is that word you're using? I do not understand. A-R-L A-R-S-E alas. So they're doing things that are mean-spirited, they're doing things that are painful, they're doing things that are frankly abusive. And the purpose is to make you feel less than, is to make you feel bad about yourself. And it goes on and on and on until you're just totally confused and totally overwhelmed. Now, when people use the word narcissism, you might think, oh, like kids with selfie sticks taking pictures of themselves and doing TikToks and that in their underpants. That's narcissistic, but it's also that's at the end of narcissism, which is just self-centered and vain and maybe a bit entitled. That's not really particularly dangerous. You can be in a relationship with somebody, a friendship, a business relationship, who's vain, who's arrogant, who's self-centered, who's entitled, and it won't damage you if they still have a moral core. When the word narcissism is used, don't think mirror-gazing, vain person who's obsessed with their looks. Think someone who looked in the mirror and got lost in it. So since childhood, probably they've had a way of operating in the world that's not based in reality, but based in a fantasy, their fantasy of reality. It centralizes them. They're always Billy Big Bollocks, they're always the center of everything, they're always the ultimate winner, the best, the brightest. Everyone told me I was the best thing ever, the smartest, the prettiest. Or option two, the biggest victim. Everyone was jealous of me. They robbed me ideas, they stole this from me. I had an opportunity, but this was taken from me. Uh, I was so good at that job that, you know, the owners just had to fire me because they were terrified I was going to take over. Oh, yeah, that sounds terrible. And then you find out the reason why they were fired is because they were nicking money out of the till. Or they were bringing their mates around after it had closed up for a lock-in at four o'clock in the morning and stealing alcohol. Something. There's no moral core. They don't, uh everyone tells white lies, every human tells white lies, or they misrepresent reality. These people are pathological liars because their view of themselves and of reality is fictional. So they're always lying. Always, always lying. They're always putting on a front. They're always putting on a front, they're always playing a role. So it's really sad because you could fall in love with someone, maybe you did. Maybe this is your ex-boyfriend, maybe it's your ex-wife, maybe it's a family member, it could be your mother or father. And the more you look at this thing that's called narcissism, the more you realize how many multiple masks these people need to wear to evoke the right responses from the people around them. These are emotion provokers, these are reaction seekers, these are perception handlers and perception controllers, multiple masks all the time. And they're good. They're good at what they do. What they're not very good at doing, well, what they can't do is just be a person. They can't just be authentic, they can't just show up, they can't just be themselves because they don't have a self. There is no self there. And the sad thing is when you wake up from these kinds of relationships, you think to yourself, all right. Did I ever even know who that person was? And the answer is probably gonna come to you, no, I never did. I never knew who that person was. There isn't anyone there to know, but they seemed like a person, they seemed like they were there, but the way to know is what emotional and physical state do you go into when you're with them? Do you feel a sense of dread? Do you feel worried? You might be adrenalized, you might be spiking your cortisol, and then notice how your state shifts when you're with someone you know is sound. You know that they are sound, and you know that they're real. Do you know that they're just like down the line, dead straightforward, and you know exactly what you're getting. The way they are here is the way they are there, the way they are on the outside is the way they are on the inside. How does that feel? So then you're dealing with an authentic person, and over here you can measure that by your own feelings. Like, I don't feel calm and confident and relaxed. You can't really relax around these people, and you'll hear people uh uh you'll see in the forums online, they'll say, It feels like I was walking on eggshells around them. That's the clue. That's the clue that something's been going on. If you have been unfortunate enough to be in a relationship with this type of person, they're rigid, they're controlling, they're manipulative, they they just build simulated realities and then invite people to live inside of them. And then once they've got you on the hook, they pull the rug out from under your feet, and it can be uh it can be very, very distressing, it can be very painful, and it can take a long time to recover. There's something in psychology called betrayal trauma, and that's known to be one of the hardest types of trauma to overcome, but there's also the trauma of knowing that you betrayed yourself because you did things for them that you wouldn't do for anyone else. You did things for them that you didn't think you'd ever do for anyone. They made you betray your own values, they cause you to betray your own belief systems and they degrade you, and they degrade the things that you hold in high regard that you hold as being sacrosanct. They desecrate everything, they make you feel desecrated as well. It's harsh, it's really harsh, it's brutal. Here's the bright side for you because that was a bit miserable, wasn't it? Thanks for depressing as all Richie. That was boss. That lad, if I ever need depressing again, I'll come and watch another one of your YouTube videos, mate. PR depressing. The bright side is you can connect with people who've been through the same experience and realize that you're not alone, that you're not isolated. They want you isolated, they want you depressed, they want you feeling hopeless and helpless and pessimistic. So don't fight for yourself. Say no, rebel, defy, connect with other people, connect with good people, get some help, find a licensed therapist or a licensed counsellor who specializes in overcoming the PTSD that's caused by emotionally abusive relationships and who understands narcissism to a nicety and to a nuance. That's what you want to find. And start talking. And when you go to therapy, tell the truth. The whole truth, nothing but the truth. Don't try and please the therapist, don't try and be the best client the therapist has ever had, just tell them the whole truth. And uh, if you can find a good therapist and you have a good therapeutic relationship, you can recover from this. Usually, what that therapist will do if they understand narcissistic abuse and how to lead a person out of it is they'll gently and carefully help you to unpack the there's a fantasy world that they pull you into. It's a it's a made-up world like the like the film The Matrix. And so they plug you in and and you're living a simulation, and and that's imposed on you. And the therapist or the counsellor or the coach is gonna pull you out like um like Morpheus, they'll pull you out, they'll red pill you, they'll wake you up. It hurts a little bit, it does. Um but you'll be grateful for it when you come out of it. They'll help you to unblend from the narcissist's version of reality, and they'll help you to unblend from the narcissistic person's version of you that they force on you. I hope that that was useful. So in the northwest of England, we have a particular type of accent, and in that accent, we don't you wouldn't say car, and you wouldn't say nar. So we don't say narcissist. That sounds like an Aussie saying no. We don't say nar. Sorry, we don't say nar. It is easier to hear. And most uh people who are non-English speakers, when I talk to them, like if I go to Spain, I'll say, or say I'm talking to an Uber driver, who do you like talking to the most? They say, I like talking to English people or British people, but I don't understand your accents. And I'm like, we don't understand each other either. They say, but you talk to Americans and it's much clearer because they pronounce the words, so it's the narcissist got into the car. But for a northerner, uh, especially the north, the northwest, you say narcissist. And then if I speak fast and I say narcissist, and then it's the syllable slides and the s slides, people think I'm saying narcissist. But I'm actually saying narcissist, narcissist, narcissist. Say it like me. Don't say narcissist, because that's how you all talk if you're American. This is an American talking. I watched a video about narcissism. He described my ex as a narcissist. I know you don't all talk with vocal fry. That's ridiculous. Narcissist. Hey, look at that fella. He's a pure narcissist, then narciss, narcissist. So it's not even se, it's se narcissist, narcissist, narcissist. Sometimes I get it in comments. People will say you're not saying it right. It's narcissist, it's not narcissist. And I'm like, I know, but that's reaction. What does? Anyway, I think that's it. Ladies and gents, thank you very much for your time and for your attention. And I look forward to speaking to you again very soon. Thank you.